Thursday, January 17, 2013
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What to DO while we?re peeling the onion
Another adorable Phillip Martin graphic
(c) Madelyn Griffith-Haynie, CTP, CMC, ACT, MCC, SCAC
Part 2?of a two-part article in the
Grief & Diagnosis Series - all rights reserved????????????????????????-
You will get more value out of the articles in this series
if you?ve read Part 1:
The Interplay between?Diagnosis and GriefClick BELOW for Part ONE of this article:
Onions, Diagnosis, Attention and Grief -
Dealing with Grief is like Peeling an Onion?
????????????????????-In Part One of this article, we talked about some of the ways in which dealing with grief is like peeling an onion, and we discussed the fact that it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish grief from depression.
I encouraged you not to automatically discount the idea of pharmaceuticals if you feel you are not able to cope very well at all, and discouraged the impulsive from self-medicating. I also encouraged you to trust your insticts about what YOU need.
I went on to give you a few specifics to help explain what that frequently mentioned ?trouble sleeping? might look like in your life.
Following some brief information about the benefits of normalizing,?I included a bit of self-disclosure about my own current struggle with grief to further help normalize what you may be experiencing.?I left you with this:
Peeling grief?s onion takes the time it takes. ?There ARE no shortcuts.
While it is certainly true that we cannot shorten the process, there are many things we CAN do to avoid lengthening it. That will be the focus of the remainder of this particular 2-part article in the Grief Series.
WHILE we Peel, we need to avoid the Pitfalls
Watch out for what you usually do that doesn?t really serve you
How have you handled pockets of unusual stress in the past?
Do you eat more (or less), sleep more (or less), drink or smoke more?
- Watch out for those tendencies while you are grieving, so that you won?t unconsciously?engage in ?comfort? activities likely to make grief take longer to resolve.
- Control what you can.
What have been your favorite avoidance activities?
Do you tend to hibernate to heal emotionally, or are you more likely to escape into activities that keep you busy-busy-busy so you don?t have time to think?
At this time, try to pull back from your tendencies toward either.
Doing your best to ?look normal? from the outside will help you stabilize with structure, as long as you don?t add to the pressure of grieving with undue attention on others during a time that needs to be self-focused.
Lower your Standards
Be gentle with yourself when you fall back into old habits. Allow yourself to get back on the horse when you fall off.?Avoid self-flagellation.
Be prepared to remind others that they need to cut you some?slack during your grief window ? every time they try to push you faster than you can go. ?If you find you aren?t able to do it very nicely, forgive yourself and do it anyway.
Unless they are grieving too, it is a reasonable expectation that they will step UP as you need to step down for a bit. ?Even if THEY don?t get this, you must.
Brush aside any attempt to shame and blame ? especially if they don?t mean to do it.
Tailoring the To-Do List
Underpromise and underschedule. ?Jettison the shoulds.
Make a [short] list of items that really-no-kidding need to stay in place without fail, and let others fall by the wayside for now.
To get you started, below are some items from my list and ideas from grieving clients. ?Use them as guidelines, but make your own list of ?musts.?
FOOD and its logistics
- The kids have to be fed, but this is probably a good time to take advantage of prepared foods, paper plates, and paper towels. Get some. ?Get more than you think you?ll use. (While you?re at it, pick up enough blow-your-nose-and-dry-your-eyes facial tissue boxes to have at least one in every room, and stock up on toilet paper ? extras can store under the bed, by the way.)
YOU have to eat, but you will survive a spate of a less than optimal diet ? that?s why God made vitamins. Take them.?When you feel like cooking something healthy, make twice as much and freeze the leftovers to reheat when you don?t.
Don?t be penny-wise and grief foolish. Stock up on easy-to-open-and-close freezer bags or those ?take it home from the party? left-over containers when you pick up the paper products. ?Now is NOT the time to hunt for lids that match the containers you have! Wrangling with plastic wrap and freezer paper will do you IN ? save them for next year, they?ll keep!
You will probably find it worth your time to identify the contents of your freezer meals right on the container ? with a permanent marker. ?Keep it in your silverware drawer (with a few backups in your underwear drawer if you have family members that don?t put things back).
Avoid junk food, and focus on upping the protein ? especially in the morning. ?
Carbs will comfort, but shift them to the end of the day when they?ll help your brain produce serotonin that will help you get to sleep.
Protein is what your brain needs to make dopamine ? the neurotransmitter you need to help dissipate the brain-fog as you emerge from the already high serotonin sleep state.
Dopamine is also a major player in what is called the ?reward? circuit ? you want your brain to be able give you credit for any little thing you manage to accomplish.
Hard boiled eggs, peanut butter or cheese with whole-grained crackers are good AM choices if you, like me, barely function for hours after you open your eyes anyway. Oatmeal for dinner never killed anyone, but do avoid the ChocoSugarBits?entirely during this time-frame.
Your home and its services
- You have to keep the utilities on and a roof over your head, so you must make sure your bills are paid.
This is not the time, however, to agonize over what a late payment is likely to do to your credit rating. ?Do what you must to avoid shut-off ? when you are feeling a bit more together you can call to ask that a note be put in your file to explain a few missed deadlines.
If you can delegate bill-paying for a while, so much the better.
- Justify it any way you must, but if you can afford to hire help with the housework, DO it. Otherwise, the dust and dust-bunnies will wait. (So will the yard work, cleaning out the garage and washing the car.)
Borrow my standard of cleanliness for a while: nobody trips over the dirt and nobody gets sick from being in my house. You can probably manage that much housekeeping if you pay attention to not letting things get too far out of hand.
Another good To-Do List to help move through the tougher times
Make another [short] list of little things that make a difference to your state of mind, and pick them off whenever you can. Avoid perfectionism ? this may become your entire to-do list for a bit.
Cross items off your list as you do them, by the way.
Add anything you do that?s not on your list so you can cross that off too. You will be amazed at how much more effective crossing-things-off will make you feel, even when the things themselves aren?t that impressive.
- Take care of your physical health and keep up with basic grooming: this is not the time to decide that it is too much trouble to take your vitamins, remove your make-up, or to get haphazard about brushing and flossing.
You might not have it in you to get to the gym, you can do a few jumping jacks, or run in place while you count to fifty ? something to get your heart pumping a bit faster. It will make you feel better. Really!
Make sure you take some time everyday to stretch your muscles (sort of a poor man?s yoga!). ?If you have a regular yoga practice, keep that in place. ?It will help immensely. So will a daily walk ? even a short one.
Force water ? don?t wait to feel thirsty. Your brain needs more than your body, and you really don?t want to make it more difficult to drive your brain, do you? ?Make a hash mark on that list of yours for every 8-ounce glass you down. ?Aim for a minimum of 8-10 hashmarks every day. ?That alone will make everything a bit brighter.
- MAKE your bed because the visual calm will translate internally, but don?t agonize over the fact that the sheets haven?t been changed for a bit, or that nice neat hospital corners are beyond you currently. ?Even if you throw the spread over lumpy bedding, it will look better and help you to feel better. ?Make it a habit to do it as soon after awakening as you can manage.
- Make sure you put things back after you get them out, so you don?t end up buried under clutter that will only depress you further. ?This is probably not the time to bemoan your lack of organization, however. ?Organizing is a decision-intensive task, and our ability to decide is not the best when we?re grieving. ?Just take the time to put things back in their current homes for now, so that you can find them again when you want them again.
- Use one of your ?good? days to organize your work-clothes into outfits you don?t have to think about in the morning. ?Simplify your wardrobe; put away the ?make work? clothing for a while. Tees and turtlenecks don?t need ironing; oxford-cloth button downs are simply nuts while you are grieving (unless you live in a doorman building and can afford to drop things off to be picked up and delivered by the cleaners).
- Similar to ?putting things back,? make it a point to?hang things up (or throw them in the hamper) the minute you take them off. Avoid the pile-ups.?(Think about this concept in your bathroom too ? hang the towels to dry and put the grooming tools away immediately ? make it an exercise in mindfulness?until it becomes a habit.)
- Leave the kitchen in a state of calm after dinner ? you?ll be surprised at how much more centered you will feel in the morning. ?If your family leaves a mess after you have restored order, go on strike. ?Tell them as forcefully as you must that they can?t have whatever it is they expect from you if they make it more difficult for you to give it to them by starting your day off ?badly.
(They?ll live ? and it?s amazing how much more cooperation a day without your hands on their breakfast or a ride to the mall can garner. Just say no,?gird your loins, and lock yourself away from the weeping and wailing.)
Put these kinds of items ON your list so you can cross them off when you do them.
Fight Malaise
Get engaged in something you can DO, and try to avoid hyperfocus on the mindless.
Hours of television or web browsing probably won?t help. If that?s your pleasure, set an alarm for no longer than an hour. When it rings, make yourself turn off the electronic mind-master and do anything else to break the tractor beam ? go to the bathroom, wash a dish, or walk around the block.
You can always go back for another round of hyperfocus (set that alarm again!), but you may find you don?t really want to.
Check your (simplified) To-Do list if you can?t avoid the siren call on your return. ?Pick anything and do something else?first.
Cross it off the list, and see if that creates enough momentum to remain in action for another one or two items. ?Allow baby steps to remind you that you do need to baby YOU, but you don?t need to give in and give up.
A less passive activity like catching up on your reading is a better choice if you love to read, but now is not the time to tackle War and Peace.?Magazines (or what are sometimes referred to as ?beach reads?) may be a more reasonable expectation.
- Be careful with self-help ? avoid the rah-rah books for now, in favor of the ones that encourage you to be good to yourself and take things slowly.
- The last thing you need in the throes of grief is a supposedly motivating book that will only remind you of what you can?t do right now.
This is a great time for journaling. ?If you?re a lapsed Julia Cameron fan (The Artist?s Way), put the morning pages back in place.
If you aren?t familiar with the concept or the book (or even if you are), click the link and watch a great two-and-a-half minute video where the author explains the point of the exercise. ?Most people find it helpful to have a place to dump mental detritus.
Boundary the Territory
You will probably find you will do best with activities that have a clear beginning and ending.
Chunk larger tasks into smaller ones:
- Sewing a button on ONE shirt instead of??doing the mending.?
- Putting away the glasses or the silverware (or the forks!) rather than??emptying the dishwasher.? ?
It will give you more to cross off your list, too. ?I promise, it sounds dumb but it really helps.
Keep reminding yourself and others that, ?This too, will pass.? ?For right now, you are practicing what the coaching world refers to as Extreme Self-care
I?ll leave you with the last item from Helpful Tips for Coping with Grief,?the article on the?HealthCommunities Website that began this article:
If you can, draw comfort from your faith.
Faith can be a powerful source of strength and comfort. If you follow a religious tradition, engaging in meaningful spiritual activities, such as prayer, meditation and religious services, can help you heal.
If your grief causes you to question your faith, spiritual guidance may be helpful.
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Source: http://addandsomuchmore.com/2013/01/17/some-help-for-the-grieving/
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